


Lights Low (Phan)

by Misha_with_wings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Crying, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Darkness, Depressing Thoughts, Emotional Abuse, Fighting, Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, Hidden Feelings, Lies, Longing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Abuse, One Night Stands, Phan - Freeform, Sad, Sadness, Sex, Smut, Songfic, alcohol mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:09:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_with_wings/pseuds/Misha_with_wings
Summary: You only want me when the lights low, now that you're drinking will you say you need me?





	Lights Low (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second song fic, this one is gonna be a lot more depressing than my last one I tell you that. 
> 
> Anyway, *passes out tissues for your tears* I apologize in advance. 
> 
> The song this is based off of is "Lights Low" by RKCB (it's amazing, go listen to it before you read this so you feel the connection!!!)

Life was never fair. 

Sometimes it would lead you to believe that all was good, that all was happy. But in reality it only gives you a sliver of what happiness actually is, then it proceeds to tear you down. It burns you from the inside out and leaves you as a walking, empty shell of ruined dreams and emotion. 

These are the things Dan thought frequently, he knew them to be true. He's lived through the good and the bad but lately something was wrong, something was missing. 

He knew what that something was but he was scared to voice it, he was getting half of what he actually wanted in life. Maybe even less than half. 

He felt like a broken, beaten, empty soul. If he didn't feel emotional pain then he didn't feel anything at all except for an overwhelming, life-crushing, unreciprocated love for Phil. 

Dan took all Phil could give, but the happy carefree man he had grown to love seemed different nowadays. Phil gave Dan what he thought Dan wanted, he didn't take into consideration Dan's emotions or feelings anymore. 

Dan's heart felt heavy with regret, he wishes that he would have never allowed himself to sleep with Phil that one time. Since then it's happened again and again, it keeps happening- but to Phil, it means nothing. To Dan, it means everything.

So why did he feel so empty, so burdened?

'...lie half asleep, and you still find a way to stumble back to me...'

Laying awake at night wasn't a surprising thing for Dan. It was hard to sleep when he had to deal with all of this internal conflict, the screaming in his mind never stopped to give him a break.

Similar to a stab in the heart, just as he'd begin to fall asleep, Phil would enter his room. 

The door cracked open and Dan sighed, seeing the light escape from the hallway into his room almost like some overly-accurate simile that he didn't want to think about. 

Dan felt a body fall onto the bed beside him, he tried to ignore it. He pulled the blanket over his head and willed Phil to just disappear from his presence. 

The duvet was pulled off of his head and he felt Phil leaning over him, he could smell the alcohol on his friend's breath. 

Phil had pretty much turned into a borderline alcoholic lately, Dan can't say he blamed him though. The feeling of drinking away all thoughts and emotions was oddly soothing to the mind. 

Dan rolled over onto his back, looking up at his drunk blue-eyed counterpart. Not that they were even close anymore, they were only close when Phil was like this. 

"Dan?" Phil asks, staring down at the man beneath him. He crawls over top of him. 

Dan felt his heart melt, the way his name fell from Phil's lips was as gentle as an angel's breath. He swallowed thickly, Phil was so effortlessly beautiful and he couldn't help but reach out and touch him. He couldn't contain it, Phil was there. Phil was willing to spend time with him, Dan wasn't going to pass that up even if it was just meaningless sex- but to Dan it wasn't meaningless. 

Upon feeling Dan's hesitant touches Phil leaned down to kiss him, Dan instantly kissed back, melting beneath Phil. 

'...stuck on the edge between reality...'

Dan breathed heavily into Phil's mouth, his heart was pounding in his chest- almost like it was trying to run from Phil, like it was all too much. 

It didn't even seem real, how was Phil here and kissing him like this? Dan asked himself if he even deserved it, he doesn't think so. 

Dan allowed Phil to dominate the kiss, as always. He loved having Phil take control of him, it made him feel important, even if it was just for short periods of time. 

Dan moaned lightly upon feeling Phil's tongue collide with his, the slippery wet kiss got sloppy and Dan was all there for it. His mind was spinning even though his judgment is clouded, every logic thing in him was screaming to push Phil away but his heart just wouldn't allow that. He longed for this way too much. 

Phil blindly shoved the duvet off the bed before pulling Dan up into a sitting position. The kiss broke but they held eye contact. Phil seemed confident and ready, Dan was just needy and insecure- but Phil made him forget about all of that. 

Phil pulled his shirt over his head before gripping the hem of Dan's in his fists, he looks to Dan for approval which of course he received. 

Once that consent was given Phil took complete control, he pulls Dan's t-shirt off before shoving him onto his back a little too hard. 

Dan didn't care, at least it made him feel something. 

Phil clumsily kicked off his jeans and boxers before harshly pulling Dan's boxers off his legs. 

Dan accepted another kiss along with the newfound full skin-to-skin contact, it was warm and felt so good- yet it felt wrong to him mentally. He pushed the thoughts into a mental file for later before allowing himself to completely succumb to Phil's touch. 

'...we could be on our own with just the bedposts watching. In positions only sheets can see...'

Nobody knew about this, and nobody would ever know. 

Only Dan and Phil shared these moments, they didn't even talk about them afterwards. They barely talked at all about anything anymore. That's why Dan was so accepting to moments like this. 

Phil pinned Dan's hands above his head, not even bothering to look at him as he fucked him mercilessly. Dan would whimper and moan, sometimes it was too rough and borderline painful but Dan craved it. 

He loved the pain that Phil delivered unto him, it made him feel so alive. 

Dan knew Phil would stop if he wanted him too but all he could say was, "Harder."

Dan physically felt so restrained but mentally he felt so free, his mind wasn't thinking about anything but the immense painful pleasure.

'...in the morning I'll be broken hearted...'

Good things don't last forever, Dan knows that. 

Tomorrow things would be back to normal, they would never speak of this. They would just awkwardly shove past each other in the kitchen without saying a word. 

Dan didn't let himself thing about it, he just focused on screaming, "Phil, Phil, Phil!" Encouraging the man above him to keep going, to make him forget harder. 

'...you only want me when the lights low. Now that you're drinking will you say you need me?...'

Dan felt like he was floating in the darkness of his room from how good Phil could make him feel. 

This was the perfect escape from his mind, and all of those thoughts about Phil. 

Any other time, all he could think about is Phil. How much he secretly loved Phil, how much he craved of Phil, how much he wanted to hold Phil's hand and hug him from behind while he made breakfast. Just so many things, all about Phil. 

Sure, sometimes Phil was completely sober when he crept into Dan's room for a late night fuck. 

But Dan only felt free when Phil was buzzed or drunk, Phil would always let compliments or little praises slip from his perfect lips then. When he was sober he said absolutely nothing, but Dan still consented to anything and everything he was willing to give. 

'...you only touch me with the door closed. I get you off and then you're gone, gone, gone...'

They kept these midnight secrets to themselves, behind the locked door of their flat. 

Nobody needed to know about how they got all tangled up with each other, nobody needed to know how much Dan wanted to break down and cry every time it happened. 

Nobody needed to know how hopelessly in love Dan was. 

Once they were done Phil left just as quickly as he came. At least he was always considerate enough to get Dan off before climbing off of him without a word, pulling on his clothes, then leaving without a single word. 

'...don't leave me in the dark...'

Dan would lay there for a minute in a post-orgasmic bliss before everything would come crashing down. 

The light would peel away from the walls of his mind leaving only a dark abyss of nothing. 

He felt like he was drowning and Phil was right there staring at him and watching him slowly die and waste away into nothing. 

The darkness surrounding him represented how his heart felt, when Phil touched him it ignited a whole sky full of colors in his mind, his bones felt like neon lights, his mind felt like swirls of fresh paint on canvas. 

Everywhere Phil's fingertips grazed his skin it was like watercolor seeping through paper, making him breathe in life and feel so much at once. 

Then the touch went away and he began to suffocate on thick, black ink. 

'...don't leave me in the dark...'

The cold and dark feeling would stick with him from then on, until Phil came to color in his jagged lines again. 

The electric spark of Phil was the equivalent of a defibrillator alerting his heart and making him come back from that dark rain cloud and embrace life. 

Phil was gone now, his bedroom door having been closed behind him.

Only now did Dan let the familiar swell of tears build up inside of him. His heart throbbed making an empty echoing sound in his ears. Everything else was too quiet. 

He misses how he and Phil used to be, when they used to joke and laugh until their ribs hurt. They used to playfully shove each other around. They'd have conversations well into the a.m. about the most ridiculous of things, which usually came from Phil's very special and creative mind. They used to play games and run around town together, they'd spend every waking moment together almost as if they were joined at the hip. Sometimes they used to even fall asleep in the same bed after hours of meaningless yet fun conversation. They used to be happy. 

'...wide awake. The blackness cannot hold me, they say shadows can't be lonely...'

Dan turned over and broke down in tears, sobbing loudly into his pillow as his mind reeled back through countless amazing memories. 

He tried to hold back, he tried to own this feeling- but this feeling owned him. The grip on him was too strong, the dark serpents that were the symbol of sadness had wound themselves around his heart and constricted it tightly. 

He shouldn't feel this empty, this lost. Phil was just here with him, why did he feel so alone?

It was like he was stranded by himself on an island that was slowly flooding, and he was stuck on the last dry speck of land as sharks snapped at his heels. 

He just wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole, he wanted to just disappear. He wanted it to be like he never existed, like no one ever even knew him.

He just wanted Phil to light him up, to make him feel all warm and fuzzy like he used to when they were best friends. Now they felt like strangers. 

Two separate hearts in one home, one heart was fine and oblivious where as the other was dimming and screaming out for help, for love. 

Dan wanted Phil to love him back, he really did. But he knew how Phil felt, he was brave enough to talk to Phil about it once and he got completely blown off and shut down. 

Since then Dan had been a dead human soul in the empty walking shell of a body. 

He wasn't mad that Phil didn't reciprocate his love, he was just mad that Phil kept walking into his room and Dan was mad at himself for giving in to Phil's midnight desire. 

Dan knew if Phil wanted sex that badly he could easily go to a bar and pick someone up, not that Dan wanted that to happen, but why did he always insist on having Dan?

Dan didn't understand it, if Phil didn't love him why did he always stare at him with the most loving gaze he could possibly muster up?

'...should I stay?...'

Dan wishes he had the willpower to leave. Or to just tell Phil no at least. 

'...this feeling's just too good to leave, you're bittersweet...'

But he loved Phil so much that he couldn't say no, he wanted it. He wanted Phil in any and every way possible. 

He just craved midnight cuddles, hand-holdings, and sweet surprise kisses. But he only got meaningless one night stands. 

He screamed his feelings into his pillow which was now soaked with his tears. Why was life like this? 

'...don't leave me...'

The next morning was quiet, Dan felt awkwardness creep up his spine when Phil entered the kitchen the next morning. 

'...don't leave me...'

Phil quickly made coffee and left. 

Dan wishes he would have stayed, just to sit and chat like they used too. He missed Phil. He missed his best friend. 

'...don't leave me...'

This was it, Dan decided. He couldn't take it anymore, he needed to leave. 

"Where are you going?" Phil's voice sounded worried and almost confused, he had a sad expression etched onto his beautiful face. 

"I'm going for a walk." Dan replies snappily, pulling his jacket on. 

"Oh... when will you be back?" Phil asks.

"Why do you care?" Dan asks, finally meeting Phil's eyes. 

Phil looked taken aback, Dan's eyes were filled with tears and he looked like an emotional wreck. 

Dan seemed so vulnerable and Phil felt so bad, he knew it was all his fault. 

He was causing Dan to slowly sink and waste away into a ghostly form of who he used to be. 

Why couldn't he just tell the truth?

'...don't leave me in the dark...'

The slamming of the front door brought Phil to his senses. Dan was slipping away from him. 

He couldn't lose the best friend he'd ever had, he had to fix this- but hadn't he ruined enough already? Is trying to fix it worth it?

"I'm sorry." Phil whispers brokenly, it was meant to be for Dan but he was too much of a coward to say it to his face, his beautiful face. 

'...don't leave me...'

Dan came home after sundown, the smell of alcohol was strong on him.

He stumbled into the lounge before grabbing Phil and pulling him up off of the sofa.

Phil managed to drop the bottle of liquor he was holding as he fell forward into Dan. 

Dan pressed his lips to Phil's, kissing him with all his might. 

Both of them, equally drunk, stumbled back to Dan's bedroom as they pulled each other's clothes off. 

'...don't leave me...'

It was different this time, Dan took notice. 

Phil was touching him gently which was odd, usually Phil was rough and demanding. 

Phil was being slow and loving, Dan let a few tears leak from his eyes. It was like Phil was actually making love to him, maybe it was all an illusion of his drunk mind- but he really didn't think so. 

Phil's drunk whispers invaded Dan's mind and made him cry, here he was in the middle of loving sex and he was letting his emotions tear him apart, ripping him from the inside out. 

"You're beautiful Dan." Phil breathed heavily against Dan's neck making Dan pull him closer and grab onto him harder. 

"Phil..." He gasped in pleasure.

"I've always thought so, you've always been so beautiful. Your looks and your personality, so special." 

Phil's loving whispers we're making Dan feel like the sun, all of the darkness had suddenly dissipated. 

'...don't leave me...'

When Phil fell next to Dan and pulled him in close, cuddling him, Dan didn't know how to react. 

Usually right know Phil would be picking up his clothes and leaving, that's what he always did after they had sex. 

Phil seemed a little too drunk tonight though so maybe that was why, Dan wasn't going to take it for granted. 

Dan cuddled into Phil's chest and sighed lightly, this is what he's always wanted. 

"I've always loved you too." Phil mumbles sleepily before his eyes close and he completely passes out. 

Dan goes rigid, did Phil actually mean that or was it just the alcohol talking?

He knows, drunk words are sober thoughts, but really? Why wouldn't Phil tell him he actually reciprocated his love? It made no sense in Dan's mind. Phil had no reason to be scared, he knows Dan loves him. 

Just like that, a rain cloud of darkness began to pour on his mind, drowning all of his good thoughts and flooding them away. 

Phil doesn't actually love me, Dan thinks. The sad part is he believed himself. 

The next morning Dan woke up to a cold bed, Phil was gone. 

There was a heavy silence in the air during breakfast, for some reason they both sat at the table beside each other. It's like they were slowly letting each other in again and learning to re-trust. 

"Phil." Dan says suddenly, speaking nervously and making the deafening silence go quiet. 

"Y-yeah?" Phil doesn't know why he stuttered but the little hiccup in his voice made him regret even opening his mouth. He knew what was coming. 

"Did- did you mean what you said? Last night?" Dan asks, he sounded scared, as if the words would physically impale him through the heart and leave him to bleed out on the floor. 

"I don't remember anything I said. Sorry Dan." Phil abruptly ends the conversation and moves to get up.

Dan grabs his wrist, "Phil please!" His eyes were filled with tears. 

"What do you want me to say Dan?!" Phil yells and jerks his hand from Dan's grasp making Dan shrink back.

"You said you loved me... just- just tell me the truth! That's what I want you to say!" Tears were pouring down Dan's face, he honestly doesn't know why he was so emotional but this was hard.

"You want the truth do you Dan?" Phil asks, sounding angry. 

'...you wanna tear us apart...'

"Yes!" Dan screams back, standing up in front of Phil. He breathes deeply, "Do you love me?"

Phil looks Dan directly in the eyes, he felt everything inside of him turning black like it was cloaked with the sadness and lies he had been holding on to so desperately. "No."

Dan sank to the floor in a fit of tears, "Then why are you doing this?" Dan's voice shook as he talked, his throat burned and his chest tightened with an overwhelming sense of panic. "Why do you keep treating me like I'm your toy- yet you look at me like you love me- I don't understand..."

Phil forces himself to laugh bitterly and not give in, seeing Dan so broken made him want to fall into the truth and embrace his love for Dan but he couldn't make himself do it. He had repressed it for too long and it was buried so deep inside the padlocked darkness of his mind, "Its because you're easy Dan, ever think of that?"

Dan felt his dignity die, he had been whoring himself to Phil thinking it would bring him more light and joy. In reality it was only clogging his senses. Now Phil had ripped off the plaster and he felt ever tiny star turn into a black hole inside of him. 

Every thought in his mind had been sucked into the vast abyss of darkness, he had always thought he was empty, but no. 

Now he was empty, he couldn't feel anything but numb as he fell back on the kitchen floor. He felt teardrops rolling down his face but he couldn't stop. His heart was slow and steady, almost mocking him because it was so well put together. 

"Why?" The broken sob left Dan's lips, but it reached no one's ears because Phil had already left. 

'...you only want me when the lights low...'

Phil was pacing his room and breathing deeply, trying to calm himself. 

Was he prepared to lose Dan forever? Because that's what was happening. 

He had completely shattered his best friend, Dan had put so much trust in him and Phil just crushed Dan like he was a bug beneath a shoe. 

"Why?" Phil asks himself, why was he doing this? It wasn't complicated, he just had to tell Dan the truth. 

Why was the truth so damn hard to say?

"I love Dan." Phil says out loud, like it was as easy as breathing. 

Why couldn't he say it to his face? 

Phil knows he's been a terrible friend and the emotional abuse he has put Dan through is horrible. Dan should leave him, leave and never come back. 

Phil wouldn't even be able to be mad because he brought it upon himself. He's pushing Dan away while Dan's trying to pull him in. Dan is trying to save them and their friendship, whatever they were- but Phil kept rejecting it. Phil kept running. 

The next day was when they both finally snapped. They both decided to do what they had been meaning to do for a long time, unfortunately only one will succeed. 

Dan was packing a bag, he had to go. He couldn't stay, Phil just kept using him and it hurt more than anything he had ever experienced. He can't take any more of this game, he tried so hard- he really did, but Phil wouldn't give him any slack on the figurative rope that was wrapped around his neck. 

Dan wanted to fix things, hell- Dan wanted to rewind back to before he told Phil he loved him. He wanted to take it all back, he wanted his best friend back. 

He wanted to be able to laugh and joke like they used too, he wanted it all back. Why did he have to open his mouth? It just ruined a perfectly good thing, his only friend was gone. Phil had slipped through his fingers quicker than water.

All those years of happiness had been so amazing for Dan, he finally got to experience friendship, and he knew what it was like to always have someone there to talk too. 

So what he was taking away wasn't all bad, he just had to breathe, he had to focus. If anything he should thank Phil for all of the life experiences, he really learned some things. 

"Dan!" 

Dan stopped in the hallway, bag thrown over his shoulder. He had just enough things for now, eventually he could come back- preferably when Phil wasn't in the apartment. 

Dan didn't speak he just stayed still, waiting for Phil to say something else. 

"Don't leave me." Phil's voice sounded urgent and it sounded like he was crying. 

Dan wanted to turn around and just give him a hug, then he remembered all of the times Phil had made him cry for no reason at all. Maybe Phil deserved some payback. 

"Don't act like you care now, Phil." Dan speaks, "You hate me, I know. So stop trying to save whatever this is just for me, it's just hurting us both."

Phil was taken aback, "I don't hate you!" He exclaims. 

Dan emits an emotionless laugh, "Don't lie to me, you've ruined enough already." Dan says as he walks away. 

Of course Phil follows, "Dan please! Just hear me out- I'll be truthful, I'll tell you everything, just don't go!"

Dan spins around, almost taking Phil out with the bag on his shoulder, "I thought you already told me the truth Phil?" Dan sounded angry- no scratch that, he sounded pissed, "You know, when you told me how you don't love me then proceeded to tell me how I'm easy- pretty much calling me a whore? Yeah Phil, I've heard the truth. I know what you think about me."

"No." Phil mumbles brokenly, "Those were lies, just-"

"You know what Phil?" Dan asks, his blood was boiling with red hot rage and if Phil's face wasn't so pretty he would gladly punch him, he was that mad right now, "Fuck you."

"I know you're mad at me okay, you have every right to be." Phil says, "Just stay, let me tell you the truth."

"You know what? No." Dan says, "You've put me through hell since I told you the truth about how I love you, so why should I listen to more of your bullshit?"

"Dan please!" Phil keeps begging, Dan wouldn't hear him out. Phil didn't deserve Dan anyway, he knew it. 

"I can't even trust you anymore!" Dan yells, he was letting his emotional guard down and his eyes were welling with tears. "We were supposed to be best friends- what went wrong?"

"I went wrong." Phil mumbles quietly, "It was my fault."

"I've noticed." Dan replies and Phil could admit that stung a little. "Phil I don't think you understand something."

"What?" Phil asks. 

"I trusted you so much, I let you in. You know every little thing about me and you were my only friend." Dan says making Phil shrink back like a kicked puppy, "Then you used everything you could against me and you tore me down and you just kept figuratively kicking and beating me up. Do you know how that hurts?"

Phil couldn't answer, he could just feel his heart sinking. 

"How it is to have your best friend- the only person you've ever trusted that much in your whole lifetime-" Dan has to stop and take a breath to recollect himself, "You destroyed me, and honestly Phil, you ruined my life."

Phil's lip wobbled as a tear fell from his eye, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it Phil." Phil flinched at Dan's violent sounding voice, "But." Dan suddenly breathes, "You also made my life better, because of you I know several things about life. Number one being don't trust anyone, even the most light-hearted, sweet, adorable, and sunshiney of people can turn out to be complete monsters." 

"Dan I'm not a monster- this whole thing has been wrong. I've been hiding and- and that wasn't me!"

"Are you sure?" Dan asks, "Because I think you're a mentally abusive narcissistic asshole."

"Dan, stay!" Phil screams out of desperation, watching as Dan reaches the front door. 

"Leave me alone Phil." Dan replies, "And I mean forever."

"No no no-" Phil was having a complete breakdown, "Dan- I- I-" he has to say it now, it was his only chance, "I love you!" Phil screams, all of the emotions he was feeling seemed to come out along with it. 

Dan froze up and for a split second he almost felt happy, then he remembered everything Phil put him through and it wasn't worth it- even if Phil did speak the truth. The emotional scars Dan now carried were too heavy to trust Phil anymore. 

"I don't believe you." Is all Dan says before opening the door and leaving, hearing Phil's mantra of "No no no, please no-" in the background. Phil was desperately trying to get him to stay. 

Little did Phil know is Dan had been gone for a long time, just now he was physically gone. 

And he was never coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't kill me, please. 
> 
> I told you it was sad- so you had warning. 
> 
> Please leave kudos and a comment below about how much you love-hate me right now, hopefully this fic was at least good quality.  
> (If I made you cry then it's good lol)
> 
> Check out my other (less sad) fics if you'd like!
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
